When you would stand at the door to smoke ... or forget to smoke and look at me with a smile for a really long time. It would make me really uncomfortable and I'd squirm but it made me feel really good to think I might have had something to do with your smile. I appreciated your willingness to look me in the eye. It felt honest, real, and oh so good to me. Those were the times I felt closest to you.
I used to secretly love it when you would call to see if I was lost on my way to see you. It made me feel like you were excited to see me. I teased you once not to do it and then you stopped and never did it again I missed it a whole bunch. I would smile for the rest of the drive .... assuming I wasn't already smiling, but I probably was.
When you told me the story of why you gave up the dental field because it was crushing your spirit ... your soul. I admired you for working physically harder and sacrificing financially and in other ways people couldn't understand in order to get to your dreams. I admired you for that and wanted to do things to help make it easier and better for you. I just didn't know how.
When you called me the morning after your first experience with The Seattle Art Institute it meant the world to me that you wanted to share your story with me. It made me so happy you thought of me to share it with and I was so damn proud of you! If I could have stopped time and not had to start class I could have listened to you all day long. I loved listening to how excited you were. It made my heart smile. When I shared your story as an example of serving others and how we can all offer goodness that's within us to teach others and make their lives better I couldn't stop grinning and was a little embarrassed my whole class could see through me and know how much I cared about you, but I feared the one person I really wanted to know, you, might never really know.
When you would call and talk to me on the phone anytime. As soon as your face came up on my phone I'd start to smile.
How excited you would get to share new information with me. Information just for the sake of knowing it. I thought it was exciting that you got excited about the same things I did.
When you stared off into an empty space when you were talking about something that bothered you (the guys in your band, your parents ...). I felt your heavy heart and wished I could help in some way. I wanted to reach out and take your hand, but was afraid you didn't want me to. I always wanted to reach out to you, but didn't want to make you uncomfortable.
Watching how bashful you would get trying to accept a compliment. You're no better at it than I am. Probably because we've both been knocked down so much.
When you didn't mind letting me try to help with finding your Protools software. I felt really bad that I couldn't pull it off. I wanted to do anything I could to make your life easier or better or just be a larger part of something you thought was good.
When you'd get really quiet when something big was coming up. It was like you were lost in your own thoughts but didn't want to be. I was never sure if you wanted me to be quiet with you or if I should try to distract you. I wanted to do the right thing to support you so badly, but didn't ever know what the right thing was.
When you'd say, "Do you want to hear a pretty song?" The answer to that question would always be yes, but it made me smile that you were kind enough to give me the option. I guess I felt like that was your way of sharing with me so I would just sit back and drink it in. It always meant so much to me and I'll never forget that time I spent with you. They are some of the dearest memories in my heart.
When you'd listen about my kids and tell me I was doing the right thing. You were so sincere and I thought it was sweet. I don't know there is a "right thing" for me, but it made me feel amazing that you empathized with me and took the time to talk with me about it. I'll never forget that. That's goodness. That's love ... at least it is to me.
When you worked the pipe for me or whatever home-made contraption you had without making me feel stupid about it because i didn't want to think about it and had no idea what I was doing.
When you told me about losing the opportunity to play football and what that loss felt like to you. I felt like you could relate to loss. Many people can't ... not real loss. I wanted to get up and hug you but didn't think you'd want me to.
The way you would smile when you told stories about your friends. It was really cool to meet ****. That meant a lot to me. I didn't mind waiting at all. I was just glad to be some small part of it and watch you work. You were amazing!
You were kind and gentle about listening to my opinions about artistic impression/music even when it differed from yours. You were respectful and deliberated on what I said. I thought that was really cool of you.
When I would tell you you had already told me a story but you wanted to tell it again anyway because you had something to add and it was going to be different this time. I thought it was charming and it was always a better story the second time.
When you listened to my students emails and seemed sort of humored by it because I was so worried by their questions.
When you didn't know if I was talking about medication or booze half the time with the weird names I'd throw out but you were open minded to all of it and made jokes to make me chill about it.
When I would tell you I was scared of something you would always say, "Don't be afraid of it." Just the tone of your voice would put me at ease and suddenly I wasn't afraid anymore ... whatever it was. I'm afraid of a lot of things, but I felt a little stronger with some things because of you. I appreciated your confidence, compassion, and the way you tried to put me at ease.
How you'd always clear a chair and make sure I had a place to sit when I came over. And when I first started coming over how concerned you were that I'd trip on all the wires because I'm kind of a clutz.
When you let me record you playing for me the first time. It meant the world to me you were willing to trust me with it. It really crushed me when you told me you didn't want me at your show because you didn't trust me. That's when I knew you weren't going to let me get close enough to really matter to you. I was really embarrassed when you saw how many times I had watched the video but hoped you'd know how much I like watching you play. I hope the whole world gets to watch one day and enjoy it like I do. I finally deleted it but, it still brings me joy, and I still appreciate all those things about you.
Watching you make sandwiches or just in the kitchen in general, especially when you wanted me to be quiet so you could focus, but wouldn't tell me to unless I asked, "Do you want me to be quiet?"
The way you'd talk about your dad and your siblings, especially your brother ****. I always wondered if I'd meet him one day and get to see with my own eyes how proud of him you are and how proud he is of you.
So to me, I was never complaining about you. I just wanted more of you. So that's not the same as complaining. That's just liking what I had enough to want more of it and I'll never feel bad about feeling that good.
Listening to your stories is fabulous. I wasn't trying to control anything, I just wanted to be part of your story.
Psalm 40:5 NIV
Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare.
