Today I went in for a "routine" mammogram at 11:00 a.m. I emphasize "routine" because I haven’t had one done in many years and when I was at the firing range a couple weeks back I felt a lump when I reached down my shirt to retrieve an extremely hot shell that left a blister in my cleavage! Of course it showed up in the mammogram, so it ended up being a diagnostic mammo and I was there with my breasts smashed between two pieces of glass, from every angle humanly imaginable until about 1:00 p.m.
They asked me to stay until 3:00 p.m. for an ultra-sound. The ultra-sound indicated a cyst; but it had some sort of encasement which made them curious and me nervous. After speaking with the ultra-sound tech, the doctor enters the exam room and completely redoes the ultra-sound. She suggests draining the cyst and if the fluid is clear to yellowish I can simply fugetabowdit and return to life as normal ... whatever that means ... So she injects my breast with a numbing agent before proceeding with her "attempt" to drain the cyst.
I have a pretty high pain tolerance but when she couldn’t get the fluid to drain and kept moving the needle back and forth I screamed "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" It felt like someone was trying to stab me from the inside out. She injects more numbing agent going deeper into the tissue and switches to a larger gage needle in hopes of getting it to drain. It began draining clear for a moment and then turned to what appeared to be pure blood. She then suggests a needle biopsy of the encasement. For those of you who don’t know, this means she shoots a needle through the cyst like a harpoon which tears the tissue and syringes it out. She takes five biopsies and sends both the bloody fluid and the tissue to the lab.
She starts the, "If this comes back atypical ..." speech, which I interrupt and say, "Can we wait and have this conversation IF it comes back atypical?" She gives me a reassuring smile and agrees, patches up my bruised and bleeding breast with an ice pack, and sends me on my way. I simply must be drunk before the numbing agent wears off.
I planned on getting my mammogram and then spending the rest of the afternoon giving myself a facial and doing my nails. Instead I must sit, wait, and worry about the results of the biopsy until Monday. Maybe I’ll wait until I’m drunk and then do my nails ... they could turn out very interesting and possibly start a new trend ...
The moral of the story: Ladies, please go get a base mammogram at the age of 35 and when you turn 40 go yearly. Guys, tell your wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, and any woman you love that although it’s uncomfortable (to say the least) having their breasts flattened into a pancake, they simply must do it! It could save their lives!
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