I actually went to a therapy appoint yesterday morning for myself and after explaining my situation to him all he could say is, "Well I can offer you a place to vent; but, I really don’t know how else I can help you." I’d like to take his PhD and clean a toilet with it.
So, yesterday at Demitri’s appointment, his therapist decided, on her own this time, that Demitri should not be in the room with us. I was ecstatic at her brilliance, considering she’s known us for over a year and is just now figuring out she only gets the full story from me when the little guy is not present because I don’t want to rehash his issues in front of him and risk making him feel worse about himself.
The first thing she did was show us the results of the teacher and the principal behavior evaluation forms. Both indicated an intense level of anger. In my head I said, "NO FUCKING SHIT! THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" But I managed to keep my mouth shut. Nonetheless, I did manage to ask if the traits she was seeing in Demitri were Narcissistic in nature. She said, "Yes." But went on to say that they don’t use that terminology with children. Then she went on to list the characteristics she’s seeing in Demitri which are parallel with Narcissistic behavior: lying, controlling others, etc. I said, "I see, so even though the traits are the same we don’t call it Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) until they’re older." With a slight laugh she said, "That’s right." My ex, having heard me call him a Narcissist before chimed in with, "All children lie." I looked at him and said, "Do you want to continue to minimize Demitri’s problems or do you really want to try to solve them? You’re a Narcissist, you lie, you control, and you wonder where he’s learning it?" He squirmed in his seat and said nothing. He didn’t even deny anything. I was slightly stunned.
Then she asks how Demitri is doing in a variety of situations ... I kept my mouth shut and shrugged my shoulders with each question. Finally she asks me why I don’t know. Ding! Ding! Ding! My turn to speak! I told her that I was being punished for all of the things I had said during our last session (having informed her of the gun situation at school, the harassing emails and calls from the children forcing me into a weekend trade that wouldn’t allow me to see my children for two weeks straight, etc.) and I hadn’t really spent enough time with the children to know the answers to her questions. She was speechless; but, the ex wasn’t. He starts arguing his case for why the children have been so unavailable to me ... and of course it’s all my fault. After less than a sentence I couldn’t take anymore. I looked at him and said, "Donovan SHUT UP! Unless you have something to contribute that will actually help Demitri, just sit there and SHUT UP!" He did. I think that’s the first time he’s actually listened to me and followed instructions in almost 14 years.
The therapist was silent for a moment and then said, we shouldn’t be trading weekends or any other parenting-time if we can’t do it without involving the children. I agreed and told her there’s not a chance in hell that I’ll be giving up and/or trading anymore weekends when the children are supposed to be with me. She also emphasized the importance of not speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the children. I said, "I can’t stop him." She said, "Either can I. All I can do is tell you what’s best." She closed the session saying that it’s in the children’s best interest to spend the most possible time with their biological parents. I turned my head towards the ex and said, "Did you hear that?" He smirked and responded with one of his notorious sarcastic laughs.
The therapists recommendations after the session where for Demitri to participate in an ongoing children’s group therapy session, one-on-one therapy (which is what I agreed that he needed last session), and a new facility in which to do ALL of this because Demitri is now to old for the groups they run there. So it begins again ... I’ll keep you posted as I learn more.
I walked out feeling pretty good about having taken some of my power back. I think the therapist got a brief glimpse of the reality of Demitri’s life (and his father’s NPD) and I don’t really give a damn what she thinks about me ... although I think her opinion has improved over the last two sessions.
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